Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Whole Decade of Me

I cannot believe that this decade is ending. The 00s are coming to and end. To celebrate, I thought I would share some funny facts (about me) that happened over the last decade. I'll try to include pictures where I can. :) I'll try to go in Chronological Order too. Wish me luck!

Rang in the New Year for Y2K at the Stake Dance
Finished my season of Winter Cheer where I cheered for the Boys Basketball team (we won state if I remember correctly)
Played the Witch in "Into the Woods" (a musical)
Graduated Junior High (lol)
Started High School
Did Freshman Cheer
Played the Sousaphone in the Marching Band
Sang in the Choir
Almost tore my knee at tumbling

Marched in the Rose Bowl Parade (8.5 miles with a 40 pound hunk of metal)
(not the right year but you get the picture)

Competed in the State Cheerleading Competition (we won 2nd place)
Got 4 stitches above my left eye (ran into a pole at the Cheer Competition minutes before performing-great story)
Got my wisdom teeth out
Got braces on
Started Coaching Gymnastics
Went on my first date to Golfland

(competition in flagstaff for band-worst uniforms EVER)

Went on my second date to Golfland (with a different boy)
Got my first kiss (2 weeks after I turned 16)
Went to my first high school dance (Homecoming)
Continued to play the Sousaphone in the Marching Band and sing in Choir

Made Regional Choir as a Soprano
Hiked the Grand Canyon with 60 girls - it rained, all night
Had a very uneventful closing to my Sophomore year (I really cannot think of anything)

(me and my friend Paige)

Decided to put my tuba away during marching band and joined Colorguard

(all of colorguard-don't you wish you had to wear teal eyeshadow and velvet outfits?)
Played Tuba in the concert band where I didn't have to carry it around all the time
Sang in the 2 top choirs at my school
Dumped by a "boyfriend" for the first time and cried about it

Got my braces off!!! (HURRAY!)
Went to Chicago to compete with the Choir
Was in Winterguard (a colorguard only competition i.e. flags, rifles, sabres, twirling them around and throwing them in the air and catching them - most of the time)
Went to Prom with one of my guy friends at my next door neighbors house (Best prom EVER!)
Made All State Choir

(winter formal)
Started my last year of High school
Still in band and choir

Competed in Gilbert Junior Miss and made finals
Made Regional Band as 2nd chair tuba
Made All State Choir as 7th Chair Soprano
Completed my Young Women recognition
Played the tuba in the Orchestra (the best musical group in high school)
Went to Prom with my "boyfriend"
Graduated High School

(me and my best friend Kristin on graduation night)

Made the Cheerleading team at Mesa Community College
Went to my first semester of College
Moved out of the house and into an apartment with roommates

(me, Paige, and Kristin going to our first Single's dance, yikes)

Tore my shoulder cheerleading
Twisted my ankle cheerleading
Realized I was too old to be doing that to my body
Failed all but 1 class my first semester of college (I rocked Italian!)
Met a boy
Fell in love
Had my last "first kiss"

Had my first proposal (I said "YES!")
Tried on wedding dresses
Bought a house
Got Married (yes, we bought the house first lol)

(our wedding day outside the Mesa Temple aka, the happiest day of my life)
Became a Nursery teacher
My first nephew was born
Went to the Disneyland Challenge (and won 2nd place)
Continued to teach gymnastics
Took a couple of college courses and got a 98% in Calculus

Went back to college to study Child development (aced all of my classes, thank you!)
Bought our first car (a brand new Corolla that we still have)
Decided that our family needed to grow
A nephew was born on Robby's side (on my birthday)
Still coaching gymnastics

Still trying to grow our family
Became a manager at the gymnastics studio and ran my own location
Took another semester of Italian (love the language but cannot speak it to save my life)
Took a few more classes in College
Taught Sunbeams and CTR 5
Bought annual passes to Disneyland and went a BUNCH!

(me and Baby Connor on our Birthdays)

(Robby's favorite ride)

Still trying to grow the family
Went to Girl's camp as a leader for the first time
Had 4 nephews all born within a month

(3 out of 4 nephews born that year, Erik, David, and Aaron)

Started working at University of Phoenix

Still trying to grow the family
Decided to pursue adoption
Researched adoption like CrAzY!
Went to Girl's camp again and hiked a crazy hard hike!
Got promoted at work to a Senior Rep
Went to another Disneyland Challenge and won 1st place!!!
Was Tinkerbell for Halloween
(Kristin, Joanna's sister in law, Joanna, and Me-Dallin in the background)


(so in love)

It's been a LONG decade. I can't believe how far I have come and how much I have grown. From a measley 14 year old who knew nothing about the world or life, to a 24 year old woman who still hardly knows anything about the world or life. Lol. I am learning and I have grown so much. I'm so grateful that for the better half of this decade, I have been with the love of my life. I am so grateful for Robby. He is my best friend. I thank my lucky stars every day that I found him. I don't know how I got so lucky. I was not making the best choices when it came to boys at that time and was a pretty shallow person (not gonna lie). But I found him and just knew he was supposed to be mine forever. And somehow, I ended up getting the best guy in the world! :)

Here's to another great decade. Filled with joy, love, BABIES, birth families, more nephews (and maybe a niece or 2), and happiness. CHEERS!

Saturday, December 19, 2009


We went to get the mail today and among all the Christmas cards, we had something from our agency. I immediately open it, thinking that it would be a letter saying that our paperwork was submitted or something else on the status. I rip it open and BAM!


I can't believe it. We were thinking that it would be another month at least. Robby and I bounced around a bit, I may have cried a little. We are so thrilled. This means that we can now bring a baby home at any time... Just got to find our birthmom. :) So we are working hard on our profile and hope to have it up and running soon. We're still struggling at writing the letter to the Birthmom/birth parents. I just don't know what to say to the woman who will provide us with the greatest gift possible. How do you start a letter to the most magnificent person in the world? Hopefully I'll figure it out soon. I know that many prayers were answered for this to happen so quickly and I am truly grateful for this experience.

Funny little thing, our anniversary of our first date was on the 17th so Robby bought me a necklace. It says I (heart) adoption. The day before was our official certified date. I truly love adoption and all the wonderful things that it has brought in to my life.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Could it really be?

It's been 5 years. I answered a phone call that changed my life.

5 years since we sat up all night watching movies like John Q, Cutting Edge, Minority Report, Beauty and the Beast, and Lord of the Rings 2 and ate orange rolls on the love sack.

5 years since we shared our first kiss (though it was technically on the 18th).

5 years of ups and downs.

5 years of never doubting my love for him and his love for me. :)

Happy 5 years from our very first date.

Exactly 4 and a half years of being married.

From now to Eternity... I love you Robby!

Monday, December 7, 2009

No Good, very bad week

This last week was not the best. First of all, I had to work. Now, I am SOOOOO grateful that Robby and I both have jobs. But I miss teaching Gymnastics most days and wish I was a stay-at-home mom every day. Work is even worse when people decide not to show up, as several people did on Monday last week. So that started my week off sour. Then, walking into work, I fell and hurt both knees. I bruise so easily. I run into something absent mindedly and will have no idea and a bruise will show up. Unless I really hurt myself. Now this fall was on brick blocks and rocks. I scraped one knee (though did not rip through my pants thankfully) and bruised both knees. The bruises right now are about the size of a half dollar. They have yet to really show up but I can feel them every time I move, or put on a pair of jeans. Then, we found out that our adoption paperwork was not going through as fast as we thought due to miscommunication. So we still have to wait another 1-2 months.

But because I have the best husband ever, he bought me flowers, (vegan) ice cream, brownies and cheesecake. He did 3 loads of dishes (and promises to continue to do dishes as his chore, bless him). He snuggled up with me and watched Sense and Sensibility. He bought me the Taylor Swift cd on iTunes. And he every day told me that I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He made my week so much better and made me forget about all the silly bad things that happen. I'm so glad that he's with me for Eternity. I can't believe that at 19, I stumbled upon the best thing that would happen to me in my life. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

One last fun thing to end off the week, I made Pumpkin muffins. I used a bread mix and then instead of eggs, I used 1/4 cup applesauce per egg. It made it so moist and delicious! We went through all 24 mini muffins in 1 day. Yum. Give it a try.

Friday, December 4, 2009


We had so much fun over the Thanksgiving Holiday. We got to go to Utah to spend time with my family. Other than the cold, we had so much fun. Here are a few pictures of our adventure.

Robby and his Davey. These two are little pals and inseparable. Robby loves all of his nephews but I think Davey loves him back the most. :)

Sweet little Aaron. He LOVES camera flashes so he was just giving me smile after smile. He should so be a baby model. He's just the darlingest little thing.

This is the best picture of the 3 of them together. After this, Erik started pushing David in the head. While funny, not very post worthy. :) It's funny to think that these boys are only 10 days apart.

The night before Thanksgiving, we had a pizza night. We LOVED our veggie pizza and Robby and I ate the whole thing (quickly). My dad made a Brick Oven to make pizza in his backyard. He even made the Turkey in it for Thanksgiving. He spent a long time on that thing and it's so fun to see him reap the benefits. (and tasty for us too!)

My brother John and baby Aaron. We just LOVE his curly hair. It's so funny how much Aaron looks like John when he was a baby.

Our table setting at Thanksgiving. We had so much fun putting all this together. It looked like a very fancy dinner before we all sat down. We had a great time with my cousins who were able to come (those who didn't missed out on a great time!)

Me and Davey boy. He is such a cutie pie. Poor guy was sick almost the whole time we were there so he was a little bit of a momma's boy and between trying to steal him from Robby, this is the only good picture I have of me and him.

My dad and the twins. Erik walked over with the book and David was quick to sit down too. Then we all ran to get a camera to capture the sweet moment. (gotta love the reading glasses. He's such a grandpa now! lol)

CHEESE! Erik was being so funny. We were giving him Grapefruit juice and watching his expression. We would all laugh so he started smiling and making us laugh more. He reminds me a lot of Jimmy. Always ready to make anyone laugh.

Me and the boys reading "Snuggle Puppy" by Sandra Boyton. Her books are so much fun and are usually songs. We love snuggling up with those boys and reading.

We had such a fun time but it was SO hard to leave. We wish we didn't live so far away from the rest of our family. Well, more we wish the rest of the family didn't keep moving away from us. Hopefully soon, everyone will come back to AZ to stay!

Thursday, November 19, 2009


Sorry I don't have the actual pictures yet, but you can look at them here. She did an amazing job and we are so excited! :) I'll post more when I have them.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I thought I would post some of the pictures I'm thinking about putting on our adoption profile. We need to convey who we are and what we like to do in these pictures. This is usually the first thing the potential Birth Mother will see, so no pressure right? Anyways, tell me what you think. We just took pictures with Jana and cannot wait to see how they turn out. We'll be adding one of those to the list too.

Us at Disneyland. Because we would live there if they let us. Disney is huge in our family. We go there all the time. Last time we went, for my birthday, we came home with Baby's First Mickey and a Mickey Onesie. I was Tinkerbell for Halloween and a Princess all year long. ;) Disney is life in the Colvin home.

This is us with 2 of our favorite nephews. Not a second goes by that we aren't missing these little guys. We got a lot of experience taking care of brand new babies. I was there every second I didn't have to be at work. I learned a TON from my sister about being a great mommy.

Probably my favorite picture I have ever taken. Robby was playing with Connor and Connor was just eating it up. Robby is going to be the most amazing Daddy, as evident by this picture.

I thought I would include some of our activities we like to do. Robby loves to race go karts and he is pretty dang good at it. It was so much fun to watch him do this. He is so competitive but luckily, is also very good. :)

I can't believe I would show this picture, but I am. We went rappelling for girl's camp and I was a leader. One of the girls refused to go unless I did, so I went. I HATE heights with a passion but I put on a brave face and jumped down the cliff. I was faster than all the girls. It was awesome. :) This is me happy to be on the ground again (and not wearing any make up which is SO not like me.)

And this is one of our engagement pictures. It won the contest for favorite picture for our profile so you can bet it will be on there. I love how young we look almost 5 years ago. I'm more in love with him every day. He is the best husband ever!

We are currently working on our profile and it is a LOT more fun than all the paperwork, but it is still so time consuming. I have a note in my cube that says we will find our Birth Mother by Christmas of 2009. I'm a total believer of positive thoughts coming true so I put that little message out into the Universe and I'm confident that we will find her soon. :) In the mean time, we are going to be sending out passalong cards with our Christmas cards so if you want one, email me your address at angeecolvin(at)gmail(dot)com. Thanks!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Another Great Story

... from Robby's childhood friend. They were the best of friends and to this day are still very close. She has even befriended me and shown me so much love even though I've never met her face to face (I'm really hoping I can meet her soon because I, too, have grown to love her). I wanted to share her story. :) It is a very long story but I just couldn't shorten it. We love you Heidi! Thanks for being such a great friend, example, and strong woman!!!!!!

Some people get the opportunity to have something so significant in their life happen that changes them forever. I am one of those people. Today is a very special day for me. One of a few very special and significant days for me. I have only been celebrating this day for the past 7 years, but I will celebrate it for the rest of my life. Today is Birthmothers Day. Yes, I am a birthmother.
I know that most of you do know this about me, but there are some of you who don't know and this will come as a shock to you. I wanted to take this opportunity to write down my feelings and hopefully I can share some sort of insight to this topic.
For those of you who don't know...a birthmother is someone who has placed a baby for adoption.
When I was 18 I discovered that I was pregnant and was scared beyond imagination. For I knew that this news would crush my parents and many other loved ones. You see, I was not the "stereotypical" pregnant girl, and I soon found out that there is no such thing as a stereotype for that kind of situation. I was just a girl, who was in a serious relationship, who was not doing the right things. At times I felt trapped in that relationship and many times desperately wanted to get away from that situation, but emotionally, I couldn't.

I realized that I was pregnant the summer before I attended BYU-Idaho. I was so upset and disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen. It was just as much my fault as it was his. I kept wishing it to go away. I just wanted to be able to go off to college to start anew. I never told a sole what was happening inside my body during that time.

While at school, I made amazing friends (some of which will be my life-long friends), grew closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ and tried figuring out who I was. I still never told anyone.

October 2001, I finally decided that I needed to tell the birthfather. I am not going to use his name because he doesn't know that I am writing this and I want to respect his privacy. I do however want you all to know that I do respect him as a man, and he was wonderful and very supportive through almost every situation that we had to deal with. Many times birthfathers get a bad rap, but I want to make sure that you know that I so appreciated his support. When I called him to tell him, he, of course, was upset and said some irrational things, but eventually we both realized that we would place this baby for adoption. We really didn't know anything about adoption, but we knew that it would be best for everyone at that time.

I went about the rest of the semester acting as if nothing was different. I never knew how far along I was and I hid it very well because of my body type and because I was in Rexburg, Idaho where it was freezing all the time.

When the semester was over and I returned to my home for Christmas and I was crushed. I knew that my parents had to find out sometime and I knew that that would be one of the hardest things that I ever did. I hated Christmas that year. I hated getting gifts because I didn't feel like I deserved them one bit. I hated talking about the next semester or seeing old friends. I knew that I was living a lie and that I needed to tell my parents. I mostly didn't want to hurt them. I just wished that I could go away and never come back. I wanted to tell them while I was there but couldn't. I went back to school and started a new semester knowing very well that it wouldn't last long. The night before my 19th birthday, I went in to talk to my church Bishop. I told him that I was pregnant and that I needed to go home. He told me to come back the day after my birthday and we would call my parents to tell them. Needless to say it was the worst birthday in my life. I didn't feel like I deserved anything. My mom sent me a birthday balloon bouquet and that just crushed me because I knew that I was about to break her heart.

The next day I went back into my Bishops office and there was a lady there from LDS Family Services. She talked to me and gave me some information about adoption. I still felt that that was the decision that I was going to make. Then came the time to call my parents. My heart breaks just thinking about that moment. My mom answered the phone and I asked if she would go somewhere where we could talk. She did and I just started crying and I told her that I had made some big mistakes. She just said..."are you pregnant?" I just cried and said yes. I don't really remember a whole lot of the conversation after that. I just remember physically feeling that I was hurting my mom so much more than I ever imagined that I could. She felt betrayed, and rightfully so. Throughout high school, she was always the one fighting for me to be able to go out and hang out with my friends or my boyfriend. I most definitely betrayed her and our trust. After I hung up the phone, I talked a bit more with the case worker, and she then drove me to my apartment. I went inside, got my roommate and we went out to her car so that I could tell her. We just cried and hugged. I am so thankful for her friendship and that she was there for me at that time...Thank you Kristin...You mean more to me than you will ever know!

Later that night, my dad called. He was the one that I was scared about knowing. I knew that I would upset him and I was afraid that he would not want to have anything to do with me. I had never been so wrong in my life! I will never forget what he said to me. He said, "Heidi, we are feeling all sorts of emotions at this time...anger, hurt, sad, upset, betrayed...but MOST of all, I want you to know that I LOVE YOU and that WE are going to get through this together!" I just cried and cried hearing those words from my dad. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that time.

That following weekend, my parents came to pick me up from Idaho. It was very hard seeing them, but we cried, hugged and talked about what was going to happen from there. They wanted me to know that the decision on what to do with my baby would be up to me and that they would be there to support me no matter what.

When we arrived at home, facing my brothers and sisters who I know were also very hurt was very difficult. I was fully prepared for them to not want to have anything to do with me. And, although, they dealt with the situation in their own way, they eventually were very supportive and wonderful towards me. There also was a whirl-wind of decisions to make. We had known some friends who had gone through the same thing a few years before and sought their counsel. The girl had gone to Utah during her pregnancy and delivery to be able to get away from everything. We were trying to decide if that is what I was going to do. By no means did my parents "ship" me off. They let me make that decision on my own. We live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone else's business and we just felt that me going away for the time being would be the most beneficial for me to be able to make decisions for myself. Meanwhile, I went to my first doctors appointment to get a due date. I had an ultrasound and we discovered that I was 36 weeks pregnant. For those of you who don't know pregnancy talk, that is almost full term. I was not very knowledgeable about pregnancy, so I didn't realize what he was saying, so I asked what that meant and he said, "That means that you could deliver anytime!"
I think that I recall my mom saying that she almost fainted when she heard that.
I just thought..."Oh crap. Things are going to happen a lot faster than we thought they would."
After that appointment, we called my case worker in Utah to let her know that I was coming. She arranged for me to live with a family with two adopted boys. While home, I also spent a lot of time with our friends who had gone through the same thing. I also will keep their names private...just in case. :) But they know who they are. They also helped out me and my family through that time. They mean so much to me and are very special people in my life. It was during one of those visits that I knew that adoption was the best option for me, the birthfather and my baby.

We left that weekend to go to Provo, UT. I met my case worker, Monica, and my "foster" parents, Sharm and Susan. They instantly made us feel welcome and very loved. My parents stayed for a few days and then went back home. It was hard to leave them, but I knew that they had faith in me to make the right decisions. While I was in Utah, I had sessions with my counselor, I attended group sessions with other girls who were going through the same thing and I spent time with my new family. I also spent a lot of time going through profiles of hopeful couples who were wanting a baby.

Going through profiles is a lot harder than one would think. I had to pick the parents of my baby! It was one of the most important decisions that I would have to make! Thankfully I relied heavily on the Spirit to let me know which couple it would be. It is a process that is hard to explain. I would get files of couples and I would know right away if they weren't "the ones". A small piece of me would break knowing that they still weren't going to get a baby. I would look at all of these files of amazing couples who I knew wanted a baby so bad, but my baby wasn't their baby. I decided to hold onto the first file that Monica had given me. I really liked them, but wanted to see if there was another couple out there. My due date wasn't until February 21st, so I felt that I had a few weeks to make a decision. I would read the letters from the couples to the birthfather and he would help me go through them. Like I said, he was very supportive during everything.

February 10th, 2002 I started having contractions. But, being a first timer, didn't really know if they were the real ones. At the end of the day, they eventually got harder and closer together, so we knew that it was time. I was scared to death!! I called my mom and they got packed up to make that 12 hour drive again to be there with me. I also called the birthfather and he arranged a flight out that next morning. Susan was there with me every step of the way. She held my hand and caressed my hair showing her unconditional love and support for me. I couldn't have done it without her!

My beautiful angel was born on February 11th, 2002 at 3:38 am. She was 6 lbs 15 oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. She was tiny. I remember holding her for the first time knowing that my time was very limited with her. I knew that these next few days would be extremely difficult and precious all at the same time. I realized that I still hadn't made a final decision on a couple yet and wanted to wait to have my parents read their profile. I only slept a couple hours that morning while Susan held my gorgeous baby. I couldn't believe that she was here, and at the same time I couldn't help but know that she wasn't ALL mine. She was going to go to an amazing family. Later that day at about 11, my mom, dad, brother and two sisters came. It was very hard seeing my family fall in love with her. They loved holding her and seeing her. But, I knew that they were also heart broken knowing that she would not be coming home with us.
I let my parents read the profile letter and they also felt that it was a great choice. So, my mom and Susan went to buy a card so that we could let the couple know that they had been chosen.

You see, in normal cases, birthmothers chose a couple a few months before the baby arrives. They then spend time getting to know each other through letters or visits. This also allows time for the couple to get ready for their baby. Well, in our case it didn't happen that way. That day, they were called in to their case workers office and he placed a pink envelope in their hands.
They opened up the card that told them that I had chosen them to be the parents of my baby. They then looked again at it and realized that she had already been born. They told me later that they just cried knowing that their baby had finally come. I made a promise to myself that when I let the couple know that they were the "ones" that I would never go back on my decision to place her with them. I didn't want to crush them, for I knew that they had been hoping and praying for this day to come.

The next day, on February 12th, 2002, I met them for the very first time. I am also going to keep their names private. They don't know that I am writing this right now and I didn't get their permission first, even though I don't think they would care, I want to respect them just in case. I was so nervous, but so excited to meet them all at the same time. I had made the decision for them to be the parent's but I never had a confirmation from the spirit that they really were the right ones. I just felt that it was right all along. BUT, the second that I stepped into that room where they were, the Spirit was incredibly strong. I could not deny it. These two amazing people were in deed my little angels' new parents. She most definitely belonged to them and I knew with 100% conviction that I was making the right decision. We just cried and hugged each other. We then sat and just got to know each other better. I was able to visit with them by myself and then with my parents and then with the birthfather. It was all so wonderful to be able to just talk with them about me and about their lives. I so appreciated the love that they showed me during that time. I never once felt unloved from them. After a couple of hours we decided that the placement would take place that next afternoon. I also asked them what they wanted to name her and they were so polite to ask if I had a name picked out. I replied with "I gave her life; I want you to giver her a name." Then they told me that her name would be Alexandrea. I loved it.

That night I did not want to sleep. The nurses would come in to ask if they could take Alex so that I could sleep and I kept saying no. I kept thinking to myself that I could sleep for as long as I wanted to after this was all over, but until then, I didn't want to miss a moment of her life that I had with her. Earlier that night, we all wrote letters to her so that someday when she gets older, she could read them and know how much she is loved by us. It was very difficult to write that letter because there was so much that I wanted to say to her. Those letters got sealed in a manilla envelope and handed to her parents the next day. Someday I hope that she will cherish those letters.

I dreaded the next morning. I gave Alex a bath and put her in a cute little outfit so that she would be all ready to meet her new parents. The hours before the placement we took many pictures and just cried. Each member of my family got alone time with her. The birthfather and I also got a lot of alone time with her. This was incredibly difficult on him as well. The news came that they were there but they wanted me to know that I could have as much time as I needed with her. Those last moments with my sweet Alex were the hardest moments of my life. I just kept telling her that I loved her and that I was placing her with her mom and dad because I loved her so much. I wanted her to have the life that I couldn't give her. Most importantly, I wanted her to be sealed to her mommy and daddy for eternity. I couldn't provide that for her yet. I probably placed thousands of kisses on her precious little cheeks that day. It was so hard knowing that it was very possible that I wouldn't ever get to see her again. I just kept hoping that when she got older that she would want to meet me.

It was time. I remember that walk down the hall with my precious Alexandrea in my arms was the longest and hardest walk of my life. I knew that every step meant it was one step closer to leaving her behind. I knew that I didn't want to take up too much time after the placement because I wanted those moments that her new parents had with her to be special and sacred to them. When the door was opened, I fully expected Alex's mom to run to me with her arms open to receive Alex, but she didn't. They both threw their arms around me. They made me feel so loved. I then somehow got the strength to place Alex in her arms. It was an extremely bittersweet moment for me. I was so happy for them, but so heart broken inside. We took a few pictures and then said our goodbyes. I remember walking out of the door and just collapsing in my dad's arms. I literally felt like I was going to die. He helped me back into my room and just let me be for a little while. Even though I felt that way, I still knew that I had made the right decision.

Now, Alex is 7 years old. It is hard to think that it has been that long ago. I think back in amazement that I was able to get through that but at the same time knowing that I did not do it alone. I not only had the wonderful support of my family, the Smith's and my friends, but also the undeniable support and strength of my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. For I know that my Savior did not only atone for my sins, but also for my pain that I went through. I felt that strength come into my life day after day.

Time does heal. I know that it isn't what you want to hear while you are going through something like that, but it really does. Each day got easier and easier. I loved receiving photos and letters from them informing me of how well Alex was doing. Later, as she got older, I could see just how happy she was. Those were again tender mercies from the Lord letting me know that I had made the right decision. I stayed with the Smith's until May 2002 so that I could recover and heal through counseling. My counselor was amazing and I still keep in touch with her today. As I reflect back on that experience, I truly feel that the Lord placed each and every one of these individuals in my life for a reason. Each person at that time helped me go through this whole experience. I will never forget the Smith's or Monica for their kindness and love.
I also can't ever express my love for my family for their support. My parents were amazing and did everything right during this most difficult time. I knew that it was so hard for them to say goodbye to their 1st grandchild. Because of their love and support I am where I am today.

When Alex was 5, my mom and I were able to see her again. It was one of the BEST days of my life. I was planning a trip to Utah, and I just asked Alex's parents if they wanted to get together for dinner or something. (not ever intending on seeing Alex) They wrote back and said that they felt that it would be right for us all to meet up at a park to play with the kids! I couldn't believe it. I just cried knowing that I would get to see her again and hold her in my arms once more. Since Alex, they have had two other children. So, we planned on all meeting at a park for a couple of hours. It was the most wonderful day ever. I loved seeing them and spending time with them. My mom was also able to be there with me and get to experience it. There were many tears again, but mostly joyous tears. I wasn't sad at all actually. I was so thankful for the opportunity that they gave me to be able to see her again. Alex was so dang cute and I loved just talking to her. We took tons of pictures and video. We never once talked about me being her birth mom. We just enjoyed being together and we didn't want to confuse or upset her in any way. Later her parents told me that after our visit Alex's Grandma asked her if she knew who I was. She said "yes, she is my new big friend." Then she said, "no, wait...she is the girl who gave me to mom and dad!" When they told me that she said that, I couldn't believe it. I was amazed at how smart she was. We decided that we would definitely plan this again. I would love to post pictures of that day, but again, I want to be able to respect the privacy of their family and I don't want to post pictures of Alex without their permission...but I can assure you that she is DANG cute!! :)

Now, I am married to an amazing, supportive husband, who embraces my past whole heartedly. We have two beautiful children, a girl and a boy. They are such blessings in my life. Everyday I thank my Heavenly Father for blessing my life with them. Each pregnancy and birth of my children have been very special to me. I have cherished my pregnancies and deliveries knowing that they are "mine" and that I actually get to take them home so that I can be their mommy.

I am so grateful for the experience that I had. I know that I didn't make the best decisions in my life to get me to that point, but it happened and I have been changed forever because of it.
I, of course, am a HUGE advocate for adoption. I will defend adoption until I die and know that it is a huge blessing to the many lives that it affects. I would not be where I am today without that wonderful option.

So, like I said, today is Birthmother's Day. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I get the privilege of celebrating both. Although Birthmother's Day isn't widely known about or celebrated, I know in my heart that there are millions of other women out there like me who didn't "give up" their child. They gave them MORE. One thing I do know for sure...Birthmother's NEVER forget. Jerrod once asked me if I really do think about Alex everyday. And, I do. I most definitely do. I will never ever forget that beautiful little angel who was sent to me to help change my life.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Birth Mothers

I am finishing up a portion of our homestudy packet for our adoption paperwork and it is asking about Birth Mothers. I love Birth Mothers. I am not very eloquent when I write (as is obvious by my blog writing) so I decided to surf the blog world for my favorite birth mothers. While doing so, I found a couple posts about what not to say to Birth Mothers so I thought I would post about them. We hope to have an amazing Birth Mother in our lives soon and in turn, all of your lives. :) So we all need to learn what not to say. :)

This is from Andee, probably my favorite birth mom so far. I got these straight from her blog. This is what NOT to say.

1. Don't say things like: "Why didn't/don't you just give me the baby? Obviously you don't want 'it'"
There is little that someone could say to me that would offend me more than this statement. The funniest part about this, is that the first girl that said this to me was 18 years old and still senior in high school at the time. I was so angry with her that I let her know how much she offended me and was quite blunt. Usually I don't tell someone when I've been offended by them... She hasnt' talked to me since.

2. Don't say "Well I had my child out of wedlock and parented as a single parent...and they turned out just fine."
in other words you might as well say, "I can't belive you placed your child for adoption in a home with BOTH parents. That was seriously the wrong decision and I have less respect for you because of it." If you do not agree with my decision to place, either ASK QUESTIONS about why I placed...nicely...instead of being downright rude, or keep your opinions to yourself. If you ask me questions, I will be more than happy to honestly answer. I want more than anything to educate those people that are not aware of the miracle of adoption on THE MIRACLE OF ADOPTION.

Anyone that knows the truth about adoption, can't have negative feelings towards it. I don't see how that is possible. However, there is opposition in all things so I guess you never know.

3. don't say: "I can't believe you gave your baby away"
First off, I didn't 'give Avery away' I placed her for adoption. There is a difference. A huge difference. and Second, giving something away means giving it to someone that you (most likely) don't know and never wanting anything to do with it again. That's not the case. I knew Dustin and Andrea well before I placed Avery into their arms, to be adopted by them, so that she could have a family to be sealed to and two parents in the same home that love each other. AND I definitely want A LOT to do with Avery. That is why this is an open adoption. I love her more than anything and I always ALWAYS want to know how she is doing.

4. If you are married, pregnant and parenting this baby, do NOT complain to a birthmother OR an infertile couple, about your pregnancy.
Don't complain about how long you have to wait or how uncomfortable you are because I can GUARANTEE that when you DO complain to these people, you are causing much grief emotionally on their end. When I was pregnant, I complained about how long it was taking because I knew I wasn't getting anything in the end except more pain and heartache. I want more than anything to be able to create my own child and carry him/her for nine months and THEN parent him/her after he/she is born. It's hard to explain, but it's very hard to hear an expectant mother complain to me about how miserable she is. I just want to strangle her when she does and I'm sure infertile mothers feels the same way. I just want to say to her "At least this is YOUR child and you're not going to be dealing with incredible emotional pain after she is born."

5. Don't complain about being a mother
I'm sure this goes for adoptive parents too. I know that when the time is right for me to have my own kids, I will be so eternally grateful that I can be their mother. I will cherish every moment with them. So don't complain to me about how hard motherhood is. It's harder to give birth to your child and then willingly relinquish your rights as a mother. Until you have done that, don't complain.

6. Don't say "There are people out there who have it worse than you"
Frankly, this shouldn't be said about ANY trial a person is going through regardless of what it is. Saying that does NOT make the pain any easier. Saying that to someone is completely belittling their trial and that is SO wrong to do. I'm sure the person going through it doesn't think they have it worse than everyone else in this world, I know I don't. But it still hurts. Belittling it does not make them feel any better in fact for me, it makes me feel worse.

7. Don't treat someone placing their child for adoption as 'not that big of a deal'
I heard a story the other day. A good friend of mine had just BARELY placed and she was showing her coworkers pictures of her. One of them walked up to her and said "Cute baby, too bad you gave her away." and then walked away. WOW. That's SOO insensitive. Apparantly this person has NO idea what she had just gone through.


Now this next one is from this site. Just another few things of what NOT to say.

I. "I could never place my baby for adoption."

This one used to make me cringe each time I heard it. I felt like I had failed at motherhood and the person making the comment has succeeded. That I must have been heartless to be able to do such an act. I felt inferior, like I need to prove something to them.

I have since learned I am not inferior, and I do not have to prove my mothering abilities to anyone. I believe now that comment has more to do with the person making it, than myself. Never has a woman secure in her role as a mother said that to me. Only the doubting, struggling-to-get-by mothers who feel that they must make such a declaration.

II. "What a wonderful gift you have given to a
childless couple"

Try to see this one from the Birthmother's point of view. Now, I love my daughter's adoptive parents, but by no means did I place my first born child as a 'gift' to a childless couple. I am not that nice, not that giving. When I clutched my nine month pregnant belly with tears in my eyes, I did not recite the phrase, "Just think how I am giving a special gift to people I do not know".

When it comes down to the day when you hold your child for the first time, all thoughts of anyone else but your child and yourself fade away. There has to a higher reason for placement.

I gave Emily's parents as a gift to my daughter. That was my plan. That was my intention. Now, as an added benefit, I see her parents lives enriched by Emily's existence. Together, we celebrate the gift of knowing our daughter, Emily.

III. "You can have other children"

This speaker means well, I am sure, but this comment can strike the very heart of a Birthmother. Other children? You can never replace another child with another! To try and do so is to dishonor the child you have placed for adoption and the child you use to fill the void.

Let us remember our children. Let us celebrate them. We hold a special place in our hearts where their names will be etched forever.

No matter how many babies you carry out of the hospital with you, you never will forget the one you did not.

IV. A lady once said to me, "That sure is 'nice' of her parents to let you see Emily."

My quick reply was, "That sure was nice of me to give them my baby!"

Needless to say she said nothing more. I try to educate people by telling them my story, even on days I do not feel like doing so. Some, I have learned, are not able to be very teachable on the subject.

Her attitude was that I should be grateful, as a dog is grateful to get scraps from the dinner table. I will not put myself in such a position. I refuse to be the silent shadow in the corner with my eyes downcast.

Aside from the fact my daughter's parents would never treat me in such a fashion, I am grateful to God. The open adoption I have with my daughter is like a gift from Him-a gift that I get to open each time I see her smiling face.

V. The fifth response a Birthmother does not want to hear is an akward silence.

We want to talk about our children. We want to remember them. We know when you are avoiding it, and it hurts.

I love it when others ask me how Emily is doing and to ask to see the pictures from my recent visit. I enjoy swapping my labor and delivery tales with other mothers. By the way, I was in labor for forty-two hours with my Emily! Ouch!

It is okay to talk about the children we placed. We placed them for adoption. We did not place them out of our thoughts and hearts.


We are just so excited to find OUR birthmother. I know she is out there and we can't wait to meet her! I am in awe at the strength that these women have. They place the needs of their baby above their own happiness. I just know that our birthmom will become my best friend. :)

For National Adoption Month, I'm going to try to post as often as possible about adoption. If you have a story, I would LOVE to hear it. If you want to do a post on my blog about adoption, I would be tickled pink!!! :) Adoption is so wonderful and I want the whole world to know (because not everyone thinks as I do).

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month. As a potential adoptive mother, I just want to say how wonderful adoption is. But, I'm not very eloquent. So, I have a few people that I wanted to share with you that epitomize adoption. Enjoy...

The first story is Andee's. She changed my whole perspective on Birth Moms. I thought I had a pretty good idea of what a Birth Mother was like. I thought they were usually young and made a mistake but ultimately did love this baby but had to place their baby for adoption. I knew they were selfless and wonderful. But, as a potential parent, I didn't think I wanted them in my life after they placed the baby. Andee completely changed my mind. She is the most wonderful woman and I hope we meet someone exactly like her. If you have a chance, you should read her adoption story. It can be found here, here, here, and here. Yes, it's 4 parts and very long, but I can tell you, I was bawling in my chair at work and couldn't stop reading it. I knew I wanted to adopt from the second I started reading this. (It also happened to coincide almost to the day of when we found out our options were slim on getting pregnant, it was truly an answer to a thousand prayers). She is one amazing woman and the relationship she has with Andrea (the adoptive mom) is what I can only hope to have. They truly have been so inspiring to me. :)

The next is Mrs. R. She is pretty much an idol in the adoption world. Everyone knows her or knows of her. She has been doing adoption/infertility inspired jewelry and now adoption inspired children's clothing on etsy. Some of my favorites are here, here, and here. She recently was fighting to keep her baby Gavin in their family. The heartaches that her family went through, I cannot even imagine and I hope never to experience. But the joy they have now, celebrating that Gavin is one step closer to being part of their forever family is so amazing to me. I look forward to the day when I see them all in white (in a picture on her blog) to go inside the temple together and become an eternal family. She has changed my opinion so much on adoption. She too has 2 great Birth Mothers who she has VERY close relationships with. She is such an inspiration to me. I look forward to reading about her every day. She's posting all month about Adoption, including my favorite segment, AABM (Ask a Birth Mom). You can read all the segments here.

The last one I'll share with you today is a little closer to home... Well not really seeing as they live so far away, but it's Robby's cousin and their dear family. They recently sealed their baby girl to them for Eternity. I was so excited to get to know them and ask them all sorts of random questions on the adoption process. You can see their sweet baby all in white here. We are so excited to have another sweet spirit in our family.

Adoption is seriously so wonderful and has touched my life in so many ways. I have become a much stronger, humble, and better person because of adoption. I am so excited to continue to grow in this process. Next week, we are taking pictures with this awesome lady and we will be able to have some adoption pass along cards that have more recent pictures on them. Feel free to email me your address and I will send them out to you shortly. :)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Adoption Garage Sale

We officially have a date! It is going to be October 17th. We love the 17th in our house. It was the first day that Robby saw me (October 2004), our first date (December 2004), Robby proposed (February 2005) and I said Yes for Eternity (June 2005). So it seemed very fitting to have it on that date. We have so much stuff for sale. A small tv, an x box and gear, clothes galore, crock pots and other cooking appliances, a tv stand, a bike, baby clothes and toys, donations from other friends and neighbors, and lots of vinyl. Some of the vinyl sayings are

Daughter of a Heavenly King
Sweet Prince
Choose the Right
Scatter Sunshine
I love you to the Moon and Back
Once Upon a Time...
Christ is the Reason for the season
A brand new baby boy to fill our hearts with love and joy
I hope they call me on a mission

And More!

We are hoping to have some pass-along cards so that every one that comes can continue to help with our adoption by handing out these cards to people they know and we can further spread the word that we are adopting. :)

On the adoption front, we are meeting with our case worker for our one on one interviews this weekend. We are still waiting on some stuff back from the court and then we will submit all our paper work back to the court and after a couple months (or hopefully less), we will be certified. We are so super excited! Hopefully the certification process will be done soon so we can go out and find our baby!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Birthday Month!

In Celebration of Birthday Month, I bought my first birthday present. Here is a picture of my crib put all together. :) I did it all by my self in about 45 minutes. It's a great crib, looks really sturdy and just freaking cute. I was very proud of myself to put it together and then I realized... no mattress. I forgot to buy one with the crib when I bought it online. So, we'll pick one up in the next few days. I'm so excited.

Another celebration of birthday month, I made raw cupcakes. I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong. These things were so delicious! I'll post the recipe another time, but the frosting on top was SOOOOOO good. This may sound weird/gross but they are made from Bananas and Avocado with chocolate powder, maple syrup, and vanilla. The frosting was so good I licked the bowl of the extras. :) I think I'll make just the frosting next time. :)

We are still planning our garage sale. It keeps getting pushed back because let's face it, Arizona in September is still really hot. So right now we are looking at early to mid October. So if you have any donations, please let me know. You can drop them off at our house, or I can come by and pick them up. We are going to have a lot of awesome stuff so you'll want to make sure to stop by and buy something too! :) It's going to a great cause, our future munchkins. :)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Birthday Present Part 1

So I bought my birthday present. Here it is. :)It's actually in white and I only bought the crib. It's super cute and was a really great deal! :) I'm waiting until I can get a good price on the dresser and then I will get that too. Weird birthday present, I know. But I LOVE it! And I can't wait to see a little baby inside of it and have it all decked out in Classic Winnie the Pooh. Adoption application is taking forever but great things are worth the wait. :)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Why We Don't Eat Meat

Robby and I are Vegans. It's a fairly new development but we're pretty committed. There are a lot of health benefits to Veganism and we also believe in fair treatment of animals. Here's a sneak preview of a cute children's book that helps explain vegetarians and vegans and Why we don't eat meat. You may think I'm crazy, but this lifestyle change has done just that; change our lives. Enjoy this short movie and check out the book online here. :)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


This article just gave me more peace about the decision I feel to adopt.

Read the article if you get a chance, or just skim it. :)

We submitted Phase 1 of our application for adoption! HURRAY! Now we are working on Phase 2. Phase 2 is all the questions you never thought about and more.

For Example:

What eye colors are in your immediate family?
-Really? I know this one, but Robby doesn't.

Explain your parents form of discipline.
-ummm.. They were awesome?...

Do you think you can love a child that is not biologically yours?
-How do you answer that in the tiny little box they provide?

The questions continue...

We are also currently waiting on our fingerprint clearance. After we have that, and verification from our employers, and our reference letters returned, and our finances checked, THEN we can do our Homestudy. We have a caseworker come and look at our house to make sure it's fit for babies/children and that we are going to be good parents.

It's a LONG process. But I honestly feel so much peace in this decision that completing those questions is actually kind of fun. And it's nice to think about this beforehand. I love all the self-evaluation (Robby would say it's because I love myself so much!). :)

OH! And I almost forgot... It's Birthday Month! Celebrate with me! :) We will be having our Adoption Garage Sale during Birthday month! Donate any items that may be another man's treasure to help with our adoption! We are looking at September 12th as the day of the sale so if you can have all items to me by the 11th, that would be great! Come check out all the good stuff that I'll have for sale! It's gonna be AWESOME! :)

And because no post would be complete without a picture...

My Nephews David (left) and Erik (right) Celebrating their birthday, a month before mine. :)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Disneyland... Again :)

We had such a fun time at Disneyland over the weekend. Here are some fun pictures...Align Center
On the Tea Cups. Getting SUPER dizzy!
Waiting for the Fireworks to start. It was magical! Tinkerbell and Dumbo flew over the castle!
Getting off splash mountain. We got SOAKED!
Getting ready to play the whole day at Disneyland! Woohoo!
It's a HUGE celebration at Disneyland. We got buttons that said "I'm celebrating"
Taking a nice picture in front of the castle. We love Disneyland!
Right over Pirate's of the Carribean on the stair case up to the Magical Suite.
In the back of New Orleans Square.
Our future house... Just kidding! Us in front of the The Haunted Mansion.
In Pooh's Corner.
In front of the Rivers of America. The sun was BLINDING me!
Trying to get in to visit the White Rabbit!
Trying to get the sword out of the anvil.
Sneaking a kiss in front of the castle.

The mouse that started it all with the man that started it all. Walt is so amazing! We had such a fun time and can't wait to go back!