Heartbroken

The love of a birth mother

On February 6th, Kirsten (Joey's birth mom) passed away in her sleep. I received a call from her husband that said she passed away and instantly my heart dropped. I called to talk to him and listened to him sob, asking why he had to fall asleep and not stay up to take care of her. She had been diagnosed with double pneumonia and bronchitis at the end of December. She was in and out of the hospital every few days. They kept giving her antibiotics and she kept saying she was getting better. We had seen her January 31st and spent the day with her and her husband at the park. It had been the 5th time she had seen Joey in the 2 months he had been on this earth. We told her that Robby had lost his job and we were looking at jobs outside the state of Arizona. She was heartbroken but knew that we would do what was necessary to take care of our family. She knew we would never just walk away from her and that we would visit often. I knew this was causing extra stress for her and I really didn't want that, but I didn't want to be dishonest with her either.

Kirsten and I texted almost daily. She wanted to know how our whole family was doing, not just Joey. She loved all of us too. We had made plans to meet her at Grace's gymnastics on Monday so she could see Joey and watch Grace show off. Robby had an interview in California that day and both of us were nervous to see if he would get a new job and we would have to relocate. I wake up that morning at 6 am and see the message from Leonard (Kirsten's husband). I immediately fell down, sobbing. It was such a shock. Robby couldn't postpone the interviews so we drove him to the airport and I barely made it home through the sobbing and hyperventilating.

Luckily I had a friend come stay with me and she helped me watch Grace and Joey and helped me not be a sobbing mess. Robby ended up staying 2 days and nights but came home with a job offer in Palo Alto, CA (just south of San Francisco). We had 3 days to pack before they wanted us to be there. Packing and grieving are hard to do at once.

Friday was Kirsten's funeral. I sang the song that was sung at both of her grandmother's funerals, "I Can Only Imagine." It was impossible to sing without tears streaming down as I saw her family, her daughter, and friends hurting along with me. She had not seen them for over 5 years and until the day she died, had no idea Joey existed. I was able to talk to them and let them hold Joey, but their pain is still too fresh to consider more contact at this time. I was able to meet Kirsten's birth daughter's mom (Joey is Kirsten's 3rd child) and we were able to exchange information so in the future we can have contact between our children.

I have been really struggling with Kirsten's passing. I lost my grandpa when I was 10 and my grandma last year but both of them had been old and sick so it was not a huge shock. I still wake up thinking all of this had just been a dream, but it's very much reality. Joey is getting very spoiled and hasn't been more than an arms length away from me. I see so much of her in him.

I know that we will see her again and I know the second I leave this life, she will be one of the first people I embrace. She blessed me with an amazing son. Joey will always know that his birth mom loved him. She placed him in our home. I was constantly in awe of her knowledge that he was meant for our home, but I think the spirit was prompting her to bring him to us. She will always be honored in our home. We will miss her terribly, but I know she is watching over us.

For now, we are settling into California and trying to find a home. We are beginning a new chapter in our lives and I'm trying to embrace that. I'm glad I have 2 incredible children to keep me busy, a sweet little doggy, and an amazing and supportive husband who is always there for me.